Monday, March 23, 2009

Awright, So It's Been A While ...

Okay, so I haven't updated this in a LONG time. I've been busy. And it's not like anyone was reading this anyway. Dammit.

So now I'm back, and snarkier and more ill-informed than ever. And I am here to spout forth random drivel on a number of topics, almost all of which are being discussed more intelligently elsewhere.

But my goal is to be FUNNIER. Or at least more blatantly pissed off.

That being said, I'm going to tackle the current economic recession, aka Why My Life Sucks Like An Electrolux Right Now.

See, like most Americans, when something like this happens my first and overriding instinct is to look for someone to blame. So after much soul-searching and deep contemplation and a couple of beers I've found the perfect foil (more on this in a bit).

I know, right? Who'd'a thunk it?

In the interest of full disclosure I would like to point out that I am a registered Democrat, I would rather go snowboarding on the surface of the sun than vote for the Shrub (I misses ya, Molly Ivins!) or anyone like him and I am firmly convinced Dick Cheney is the source of all that is evil and menacing and that nothing even remotely good comes from the blackened, withered, dessicated husk that is his heart. Moving right along ...

It has become quite popular these days to blame the Bush administration for the failings of our current economy. "If only Bush's SEC had enforced the regulations that WERE in place, and other regulations weren't lifted," those on the "Liberal Left" opine, "then our economy would be in perfect shape and nobody would be hungry and global warming would have ended and we'd all be living in an eternal springtime in the Gumdrop Forest." Then, snarling, they lurch back into their solar powered huts to eat grass clippings and mutter semi-intelligible rants about how Glenn Beck is such a dork.

Meanwhile, the conservative right says it's all Bill Clinton's fault (in much the same way that they blame him for internet porn, the decline of the US auto industry and the giant meteor that killed the dinosaurs), and that if we had only killed him when we had the chance then none of this would have ever happened and everybody -- well, the people that MATTER, anyway; everybody else can go scratch -- would be happily ensconced in their platinum-plated mansions, eating endangered species and not paying taxes on the hired help.

Me, I'm going to take a different approach, and lay the blame at the feet of the person who I believe is directly responsible for this mess, the sinister being who presents an innocuous yet somewhat boyish face to the public, the entity that seems to be so closely linked with everybody's lives.

I am speaking, of course, of Kevin Bacon.

I mean, let's face it. It's a widely accepted fact (assuming, of course, the same definition of "fact" used by Steve Doocy on Fox News) that everything is the universe is no more than six degrees of separation away from Kevin Bacon. I myself, am only three degrees away:

1. I once met Robert Duvall in 1986, while working as a roadie for Conway Twitty (not proud of that, by the way).
2. Robert Duvall appeared in "The Betsy" with Tommy Lee Jones.
3. Tommy Lee Jones appears in "JFK" with -- you guessed it -- Kevin Bacon.

So, considering that I'm only three degrees away from Kevin Bacon it should be merely a trifle to prove that the current economic mess is his fault. So let's begin, shall we?
  1. The current economic situation is a direct result of massive amounts of deregulation in the financial industry.
  2. Ronald Reagan was a hay-UGE proponent of deregulation.
  3. Ronald Reagan, in addition to being a big fan of deregulation, appeared in "An Angel From Texas" with Jane Wyman.
  4. Eddie Albert also appeared in "An Angel From Texas."
  5. Eddie Albert appeared in "The Big Picture" with our hero, Kevin Bacon.
So there ya have it. Our current economic downturn can be linked to Kevin Bacon in only five steps. Coincidence? I don't think so. I can prove it, to0:
  1. Our current mess was exacerbated by a lack of oversight from the SEC, headed by Christopher Cox, a George W. Bush appointee.
  2. W's dad, who also served as President, had Dan Quayle as his vice-president.
  3. Dan Quayle appeared in an episode of "Major Dad," starring Gerald McRaney.
  4. Gerald MacRaney played in "The NeverEnding Story" with Wolfgang Petersen.
  5. Wolfgang Petersen played in "Air Force One" with Xander Berkeley.
  6. Xander Berkeley played in "Apollo 13" with Kevin Bacon.
So, even though I had to compress a couple of steps, we can still get from Kevin Bacon to my life sucking in the requisite six steps.

So the only logical conclusion I can draw from all this is: Kevin Bacon has to give everybody a job. Or just me. Or maybe just send me a big pile of money so I can roll around in it with an evil cackle reminiscent of Dr. Evil in the Austin Powers movies. I gotta lie down.

Footnote: In an effort to get the far right to back me on this, I can also trace Bill Clinton to Kevin Bacon thusly:
  1. Bill Clinton was elected President in 1992.
  2. "My Cousin Vinny" was released in 1992.
  3. Joe Pesci starred in "My Cousin Vinny."
  4. Marisa Tomei appeared in "My Cousin Vinny" with Joe Pesci.
  5. Marisa Tomei appeared in "Loverboy" with Kevin Bacon.
It should also be noted that Marisa Tomei is freakin' gorgeous, and if she ever decides she needs to spend time with a balding, pudgy, unemployed computer geek she knows where to find me.

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