Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Shameless Self-Promotion

Okay, so I’ve had this thing up now for a couple of weeks and so far both Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow have completely failed to call me to be one of the talking heads on their shows. This is a glaring oversight on their part, I think, and one that needs to be corrected immediately if not sooner.

In that vein, here is a list of my qualifications to be a guest on one of their shows:
  1. I’m liberal. So liberal that I definitely believe abortion should be legal and, in the case of someone like Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, mandatory.
  2. I’m not as good looking as either one of them, so I pose no threat on that front. However, I AM better looking than Pat Buchanan or Nate Silver.
  3. I am an extroverted loudmouth who is not the least bit afraid of voicing an opinion, even if I know absolutely nothing about the subject at hand. “If you can’t say something nice, at least say something,” that’s my motto.
  4. I need the exposure, so that I can parlay that into becoming stinking rich.
So I think it is vitally important that I be added to the roster of pundits on either or both of these shows. However, since nobody wants to buy something sight unseen, I’m going to give a little sample of what it would be like.

Let’s say the topic is Republican opposition to President Obama’s economic stimulus plan (a fairly safe bet, since the GOP seems to be staking their entire existence on opposing President Obama’s economic stimulus plan), and what it might mean for the 2010 midterm elections.

Now, I could go with the usual approach favored by people like Gene Robinson and present a thoughtful, insightful opinion of the ramifications of the GOP opposition, but that sounds like real work so I’m going to avoid that like I would avoid some guy on the New York subway in a bunny suit cradling a shotgun in his lap and humming “I Feel Pretty” off-key. Instead, I would point out that it would be in the best interest of Americans overall to get guys like John Boehner out of there, because what is a guy from Ohio doing with a tan like that in the middle of winter anyway? If you’re going to represent Ohio in Congress, then you need to be EXACTLY as pale and pasty as your constituents.

I also feel very strongly that John Cornyn should be locked in a room and be forced to watch MSNBC until he either gets some common sense or his head explodes, whichever comes first.

Unfortunately Mitch McConnell isn’t up for re-election until 2014, so we have to deal with another six years of having a Republican leader with no lips.

In the interest of at least LOOKING like I know stuff, I will say this: I have heard that the GOP is using all this as a stalling tactic to slow the economic recovery so that they can use it as an issue in the 2010 elections. However, there are two factors that I believe also come into play here:
  1. I think they are looking to also use this as an issue in 2012, their reasoning being that if they regain the majority in 2010 they can then take the credit for the economic recovery that would most likely happen anyway and put Sarah Palin (or whoever) in the White House in 2012.
  2. They are severely underestimating the ability of the American people to smell a rat. I mean, think about it: Republicans spend two years opposing everything that comes down the pike and doing everything in their power to be obstructionist jerks, and all of a sudden in December of 2010 they become a bunch of good little helpers? And folks aren’t going to see that for what it is, a blatant attempt at a power grab?
There are those who would argue that the second one is actually a stretch on my part, and that the general public doesn’t have the attention span for that sort of thing. To quote Voltaire, “Even though I disagree with what you say I shall defend to the death your right to say it.” I would also add my own little tagline, “even if you are blindingly, mind-bogglingly, devastatingly wrong.” I think people do have the required attention span; it’s just that they are inundated with so much useless drivel every day, stuff gets pushed out of the way.

So Keith and Rachel, let’s make some magic here. I have opinions, a reasonable command of the English language and the ability to overcome the fact that I am about as telegenic as a blank wall. I gotta lie down.

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