Wednesday, November 08, 2017

No More Walk Of Shame

Dear Republicans,

Last November you got drunk and, thinking it would be kinda funny (and, naturally, not thinking about the consequences of your actions), went home with donald trump. It was fun at the time ... he charmed you, he made you feel special, he said all the things you wanted to hear. You vaguely remember thinking that this was The One, the guy who was going to fix all your problems and make everything that you didn't like fade into nonexistence.

Unfortunately, the honeymoon was cut short when you discovered that all of his promises, all of those wonderful things he told you, were nothing but lies intended to get you into bed. You realized that he never really cared for you, you were just another conquest ... and once he had reached that summit, he lost interest in you.

In January of this year the sun came up, and you began to regret your decision, knowing that, although trump is a smooth talker1, he was unlikely to follow through on anything he said. And thus commenced the nine-and-half-month-long Walk of Shame -- bedraggled hair, streaked mascara, shoes in your hands, wondering what in the world ever possessed you to make such a bad decision, and frantically calling your best friend to apologize for ditching them the night before.

On November 7, 2017 that inexplicable fascination with such an obvious dirtbag, that ill-advised union, was finally annulled. It took a lot of effort, and he kept trying to draw you back in, but you began to realize that there are two broad categories of people in this world: people like trump, to whom you are nothing but a number on a balance sheet, and people to whom you are truly valued as a person -- not for any material gain or based on what you can do for them, but simply based on your intrinsic worth as a human being.

Election Day 2017 on the surface is fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things: a couple of governor's races (New Jersey and Virginia), local elections in many states, the Virginia House of Delegates, etc. However, as an indicator of the future political tone in the United States, it's looking very strongly like you are beginning to realize that you made some really bad choices in 2016 and you might be thinking about a mea culpa.

Just so you know, I will always accept your apology. Look, I get it. I've been suckered before by snake oil salesmen. They're smooth. They're glib. They are oddly appealing in a way you can't quite identify. It happens to everybody. I am here to reassure you that I will always welcome you back with open arms. I will sympathize with the betrayal you must feel. I will commiserate with you about trump and everyone like him being a lying scumbag.

Above all, I will have your back when you decide to publicly acknowledge your mistake, and I will provide support and encouragement. I will help you in trying to repair the damage he has done to you by standing by you when you do speak out against him.

I am here for you.



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1Okay, he's an illiterate moron, but just roll with it for the sake of the analogy. Sheesh.

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