Wednesday, August 16, 2017

A Solution To The Trump Problem

Okay, so I have been accused of being partisan, biased, and for refusing to give equal time to the conservative point of view. Therefore, I will be devoting all of today's column to the current administration and the people who make it up.

What follows is a collection of images depicting trump's advisers and cabinet, along with a blurb about who each person is and how they can improve things. Let's get started, shall we?

Alex Acosta is donald trump's Secretary of Labor. He was selected after Andrew Puzder was hounded out of contention for the role. Puzder was tossed because, basically, his approach to labor was "screw the workers, and screw them hard, because that's where the money is." Acosta is not quite as bad as Puzder would have been, but still pretty horrible. Fuck this guy.

Y'all know this guy. Dr. Ben Carson, noted neurosurgeon (from all accounts a brilliant one) and current Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Apparently he is also an expert in the long-term storage of raw foodstuffs; after all, who knew that the Great Pyramids in Egypt were actually grain silos? Fuck this guy.

Betsy deVos, Secretary of Education and noted evangelical tightass. Her conflict of interests run almost as deep as her boss's. Fuck her.

Jefferson Beaure-- dammit, hold on a second ...

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, Attorney General. He said during his confirmation hearings that "I never had meetings with Russian operatives or Russian intermediaries about the [Donald] Trump campaign," although it turned out later he was only kidding. Fuck him.

Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President. Her name has become synonymous with "truthfulness," "integrity," and "sincerity" in much the same way that the name "Wile E. Coyote" has become synonymous with "excellence in engineering." Fuck her.

Mick Mulvaney, Director of the Office of Management and Budget. He has said that cutting funding to Meals on Wheels and Head Start were "compassionate" moves because .... well, we were never able to get anything concrete out of the guy on this one. Fuck him.

Mike Pence, Vice-President of the United States. Virulently homophobic, this evangelical has said that "I'm a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican, in that order." What he failed to mention is that he is ridiculously repressed, nobody likes him, and it's exceedingly creepy that he refers to his wife as "Mommy." Fuck this guy, although to be fair he may enjoy it.

Paul Ryan (R-WI 1), Speaker of the House. The guy who read "Atlas Shrugged" in high school and proceeded to pester everybody wanting to talk about it until the football team jammed him in his locker and shut the door. Send this lost puppy to the pound.

Rex Tillerson, Secretary of State. Apparently he is passing something in this photo. After he cleans himself up, fuck this guy.

Rick Perry, former "Dancing With The Stars" contestant and current Secretary of Energy. Noted for not knowing what the Energy Department actually does. Fuck dieser Kerl ("fuck this guy" in German).

Roger Stone, Republican consultant and controversy escape artist. He is able to start fires and walk away unscathed in a way that would make Houdini's jaw drop, and has what must be the most sharply angled forehead in politics. Fuck this slope-headed dick.

Sebasitan Gorka, Deputy Assistant to the President. Highly educated, yet somehow still dumb as a box of hammers. Fuck this guy with his pompous British accent.

Sonny Perdue, Secretary of Agriculture. Nothing more needs to be said except fuck this guy for ruining Ed Asner for everyone.

Stephen Miller, Senior Policy Adviser. Once ran for class president (this is true) on the issue of "Why should we pick up our trash? That's what janitors are for." Fuck this dead-eyed sociopath and his white nationalist hand signals.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Press Secretary. She took over for Sean Spicer, who was ousted by Scaramucci during his tenure that lasted ... oh, eight minutes, or something ... and has the ability to spout falsehoods at an astounding pace without even breaking a sweat. Fuck this pathological liar.

Stephen Mnuchin, Secretary of the Treasury. You just know that he was called "Munchkin" in school, and the residual anger has never left him. Fuck him.

Tom Price, Secretary of Health and Human Services. Considering he is not the least bit interested in either health or humans, he's a perfect fit for his gig in trumpistan. Fuck this guy.

Scott Pruitt, Director of the Environmental Protection Agency. His claim to fame was that, as Oklahoma Attorney General, he sued the EPA, like, 78,000 times, or something.  Fuck this guy.

Hey, how did you get here? I thought we told you already ... moving right along ...

Wilbur Ross, Secretary of Commerce. Little known fact that I just made up: he also played the dad in "Mork and Mindy." Fuck him after he yells at you to get off his lawn.

Steve Bannon, White House Chief Strategist. Of course he's not a white supremacist intent on dismantling the government in an attempt to further his alt-right agenda. Where would you get that idea? Oh, right ... everything he has said and done for the last twenty years or so. Definitely fuck this guy.

donald trump, semi-literate knuckle-dragging egomaniacal -- I mean, President of the Uni --

President of th--


Please don't make me say it.

Fuck this guy, beat him senseless with dirty hammers, then launch him to the asteroid belt ... and it still won't be far enough.

I gotta lie down.

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