Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tips On Public Speaking, Mr. President

Trolling through the blogs and news today, there is much hand-wringing and chest-beating over the President’s press conference last night. So I thought I’d weigh in. Granted, I didn’t actually SEE it, but I’ve never let the facts get in the way of forming an opinion before so why let it stop me now?

That being said, here are my top observations, in no particular order:

  • President Obama has some freaky skinny fingers. I’ve gotten so used to the Snausages exhibited by George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, etc. etc. that it’s a shock to see these things fluttering around the podium like a sack of angry tarantulas.
  • President Obama is not, inherently, a funny guy. Sure, he’s a NICE guy, but he’s not the yukmaster that some others have been. For example, there’s Bill Clinton’s “I did not have sex with that woman” line, and when Dubya announced in 2003 that major combat operations were over under the “Mission Accomplished” banner? Hysterical! Anyway, he needs to step up his game on this front if he plans to leave any kind of lasting legacy.
  • I think the idea to staff the Treasury Department with trained monkeys is a bad idea. Nothing against the monkeys, mind you, but it would probably be more prudent to fill those positions with something slightly less likely to hurl feces at random passers-by. Instead, they need to get someone with the judgment to know that he or she should only hurl feces at the Wall Street executives responsible for this mess, George Steinbrenner, the Jonas Brothers or anyone who feels the need to pull all the way over to the RIGHT when they are waiting to make a LEFT turn. I’m thinking that Curt Schilling might want the gig since he’s going into retirement right now.
  • At one point Helen Thomas asked President Obama “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” I gotta admit it. I was wicked impressed when the guy actually came up with the answer of “About a cord and a half, depending on the weather.”
  • I fully support the President’s assertion that the infield fly rule is the source of all evil and must be abolished immediately. I also agree with him when he said that failure to do so would force him to mobilize the National Guard against Barney, the purple dinosaur. Come to think of it, this isn’t entirely a bad idea.
  • Note to the President: next time you open with a tune from a hit Broadway show, stick with something simple like “Spamalot.” You don’t have the vocal range for “Rent.” And you can forget anything from Andrew Lloyd Weber.
  • I don’t really think the backup singers were necessary, although the sequined dresses and beehive hairdos were a nice touch. However, it probably would have worked a lot better if the singers were female. Just a thought.
  • Having Congressman Eric Cantor strapped into a straitjacket and a Hannibal Lecter mask and dangling from a pole over the press corps, while somewhat appealing to me personally, might raise a Constitutional issue or two. Likewise, locking Harry Reid in a cage with two rabid wolverines with only a single layer of chicken wire between them and telling him he couldn’t come out until he developed a real personality was, in my opinion, patently unfair to the wolverines.
  • Note to the President: next time you make a nautical metaphor don’t use a cruise ship. Everybody knows that cruise ships are the world’s largest supplier of fat people in horrible shirts, and quite frankly Rush Limbaugh fills our need on that front nicely, thank you. Also, I’d suggest an eye patch and a fake parrot.

So there you have it, Mr. President. Just a few suggestions and observations that I hope will make your next press conference more entertaining and informative. No need to thank me; I’m just doing my job as a citizen. I gotta lie down.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Awright, So It's Been A While ...

Okay, so I haven't updated this in a LONG time. I've been busy. And it's not like anyone was reading this anyway. Dammit.

So now I'm back, and snarkier and more ill-informed than ever. And I am here to spout forth random drivel on a number of topics, almost all of which are being discussed more intelligently elsewhere.

But my goal is to be FUNNIER. Or at least more blatantly pissed off.

That being said, I'm going to tackle the current economic recession, aka Why My Life Sucks Like An Electrolux Right Now.

See, like most Americans, when something like this happens my first and overriding instinct is to look for someone to blame. So after much soul-searching and deep contemplation and a couple of beers I've found the perfect foil (more on this in a bit).

I know, right? Who'd'a thunk it?

In the interest of full disclosure I would like to point out that I am a registered Democrat, I would rather go snowboarding on the surface of the sun than vote for the Shrub (I misses ya, Molly Ivins!) or anyone like him and I am firmly convinced Dick Cheney is the source of all that is evil and menacing and that nothing even remotely good comes from the blackened, withered, dessicated husk that is his heart. Moving right along ...

It has become quite popular these days to blame the Bush administration for the failings of our current economy. "If only Bush's SEC had enforced the regulations that WERE in place, and other regulations weren't lifted," those on the "Liberal Left" opine, "then our economy would be in perfect shape and nobody would be hungry and global warming would have ended and we'd all be living in an eternal springtime in the Gumdrop Forest." Then, snarling, they lurch back into their solar powered huts to eat grass clippings and mutter semi-intelligible rants about how Glenn Beck is such a dork.

Meanwhile, the conservative right says it's all Bill Clinton's fault (in much the same way that they blame him for internet porn, the decline of the US auto industry and the giant meteor that killed the dinosaurs), and that if we had only killed him when we had the chance then none of this would have ever happened and everybody -- well, the people that MATTER, anyway; everybody else can go scratch -- would be happily ensconced in their platinum-plated mansions, eating endangered species and not paying taxes on the hired help.

Me, I'm going to take a different approach, and lay the blame at the feet of the person who I believe is directly responsible for this mess, the sinister being who presents an innocuous yet somewhat boyish face to the public, the entity that seems to be so closely linked with everybody's lives.

I am speaking, of course, of Kevin Bacon.

I mean, let's face it. It's a widely accepted fact (assuming, of course, the same definition of "fact" used by Steve Doocy on Fox News) that everything is the universe is no more than six degrees of separation away from Kevin Bacon. I myself, am only three degrees away:

1. I once met Robert Duvall in 1986, while working as a roadie for Conway Twitty (not proud of that, by the way).
2. Robert Duvall appeared in "The Betsy" with Tommy Lee Jones.
3. Tommy Lee Jones appears in "JFK" with -- you guessed it -- Kevin Bacon.

So, considering that I'm only three degrees away from Kevin Bacon it should be merely a trifle to prove that the current economic mess is his fault. So let's begin, shall we?
  1. The current economic situation is a direct result of massive amounts of deregulation in the financial industry.
  2. Ronald Reagan was a hay-UGE proponent of deregulation.
  3. Ronald Reagan, in addition to being a big fan of deregulation, appeared in "An Angel From Texas" with Jane Wyman.
  4. Eddie Albert also appeared in "An Angel From Texas."
  5. Eddie Albert appeared in "The Big Picture" with our hero, Kevin Bacon.
So there ya have it. Our current economic downturn can be linked to Kevin Bacon in only five steps. Coincidence? I don't think so. I can prove it, to0:
  1. Our current mess was exacerbated by a lack of oversight from the SEC, headed by Christopher Cox, a George W. Bush appointee.
  2. W's dad, who also served as President, had Dan Quayle as his vice-president.
  3. Dan Quayle appeared in an episode of "Major Dad," starring Gerald McRaney.
  4. Gerald MacRaney played in "The NeverEnding Story" with Wolfgang Petersen.
  5. Wolfgang Petersen played in "Air Force One" with Xander Berkeley.
  6. Xander Berkeley played in "Apollo 13" with Kevin Bacon.
So, even though I had to compress a couple of steps, we can still get from Kevin Bacon to my life sucking in the requisite six steps.

So the only logical conclusion I can draw from all this is: Kevin Bacon has to give everybody a job. Or just me. Or maybe just send me a big pile of money so I can roll around in it with an evil cackle reminiscent of Dr. Evil in the Austin Powers movies. I gotta lie down.

Footnote: In an effort to get the far right to back me on this, I can also trace Bill Clinton to Kevin Bacon thusly:
  1. Bill Clinton was elected President in 1992.
  2. "My Cousin Vinny" was released in 1992.
  3. Joe Pesci starred in "My Cousin Vinny."
  4. Marisa Tomei appeared in "My Cousin Vinny" with Joe Pesci.
  5. Marisa Tomei appeared in "Loverboy" with Kevin Bacon.
It should also be noted that Marisa Tomei is freakin' gorgeous, and if she ever decides she needs to spend time with a balding, pudgy, unemployed computer geek she knows where to find me.

And The Oscar Goes To ...

Yeah, yesterday's column? Um ... no. Yesterday I posted that I had undergone a change of heart, a radical shift in my political lean...